Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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