I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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