I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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