I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
3pm strippers are depressing
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
