i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
