So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
