i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
