I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Shame is for Republicans.
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