Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
