it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
