The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
