Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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