if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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