Pants 0. Shit 1.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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