I cannot find my penis.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
