I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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