Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
