I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
