I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
