Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
