I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
