So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
