I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
