you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
