she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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