Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
