drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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