She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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