Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
