I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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