Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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