The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
