I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm so fucking centered right now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
