Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
