from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
PANTIES FOUND
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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