Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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