remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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