She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
