This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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