the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
