i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
