i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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