Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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