my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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