his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
