I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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