I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
