i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
