I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
porn star boner night. come get it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
