u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
